I think everyone should get the celebrity portrait and questionnaire treatment. People who come by my place get it with extreme prejudice.

I asked Greg to describe himself. Maybe I shouldn’t have.

“The man’s a born poet, ok so he lost some vocabulary for awhile in the late culture wars but the ability of any audience to comprehend him has likewise shrunk so he ought just get on with it , especially given so many poets are traditionally are driven distraction or even yes to extinction, usually by becoming ensnared in wasting time becoming proficient with rather pointless consumer goods, an horrible fate; just look at Beethoven or Hendrix, what a waste. I mean no one remembers Socrates caning it on the lute but everyone knows Herodotus spoke of a people having their wives in common and living as brothers well before Plato just dropped it into his work like a Sitar overdub in a sixties blaxploitation film. P.s. can I borrow your copy of the ‘Republic’ please Ross?, that translation’s the bomb bro.”

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Ok. Here’s his answers to 13 questions. Strap in.

At your ideal dinner party, which endangered species would you serve?

Hmm, nearly extinct dinner. I expect any guests willing to eat such a beasty would expect, at the very least, an orgy to break out shortly after consuming it, this seems to be an all too a common denominator driving various creatures to a premature doom. I suppose if I asked some tribal shaman what might keep me up all night he would point at a particularly noisy frog, but that’s exactly how some of these culturally insensitive behaviours become normalised.

I mean as a meal, not a guest.

I suppose a Moa would feed a decent sized party but there are very few left so I’m going to keep Mum about that. Speaking of which, Mum, if you are reading this, no, I have no idea what Ross is up to with the weird questions, it just seems best to humour him when he’s in this kind of mood.

If you could only play one guitar and amp combination for the rest of your life, what would it be?

This guitar/amp question I’m very nearly taking seriously. Fretless gold or black beauty era Les Paul Gibson and the six times ten inch Fender superverb ( I think that’s what it’s called ), an overpowered twin with six speakers, Loved it. The genuine ‘fretless wonder ‘ late fifties/sixties Les Paul’s are the Stradivarius of Electrics, hands down, I sometimes weep and reach for a pussy when I think of how I no longer have these objects, which can be disturbing for those nearby but obviously this is no excuse for pussy grabbing of the kind we’ve recently read about in news organs. Sometimes one merely tightens ones cumberbund and carries on.

Cats: Deadly pest, or OK pet for people who don’t deserve dogs?

Cats are deadly, in both the western English and Australian Aboriginal sense of the word. They also have less side effects as a mood stabiliser than most other medications. Simply place on chest whilst prone and weeping, never , however, let a dog see you like that. The canine may become genuinely emotionally troubled and even lose respect for you. The cat never respected you in the first place.

What is the most flattering item of attire a man can wear?

Most flattering item? Cummerbund, obviously. A Benedict Cumberbatch is also a marvellous drink one makes by straining a liquid made by lonely Italian monks through several layers thereof which have been infused with various herbal unguents, which is why they’re often mistaken by modern women as some form of high viz birth control, whereas the truth could hardly be more different. It has largely been replaced by the fondue, which is no way appropriate attire for anything but the most private of clubs.

Who faked the moon landing?

Jules Verne, aided and abetted by the infamous ‘Gun Club’ (of Baltimore, that is, not the excellent rock band ). I expect the early film version wasn’t considered fake news in the Congo back in the day, much like Burmese fascists and other similarly poorly educated groups, such as millennials, believe nearly everything they read on Facebook.

If you could force one unusual opinion onto all people, what would it be?

Definitely whatever nudists are into, Naturalism? If everyone was naked at a popular surf beach they’d be more likely to appreciate just how delicious they might look to a shark or a cannibalising force of attackers.

Beatles, Stones, or The Faces?

Beatles.

What simple thing makes you truly happy?

Curiosity

When is it not ok to eat people?

If you have to ask you’re probably soaking in it like, in a pot with herbs and then the witch doctor looks deep into your eyes and says “bring me that clean one and you just hope it’s an initiation ritual or maybe being boiled to death wasn’t so bad? I dunno man. If they’re alive still would be a starter position there pretty sure. Those Star War films are kinda racist though why doesn’t the giant Ewok just beat up Darth Vader? Right? Did the same guy wear both suits already?

Ewoks, eh?

Hmm, yes Ewoks are real, Barnum and Bailey or some such other entrepreneurial spirited firm displayed one much as a hairy ghost could have been trapped in a cage and taken to village after village as a mere exhibit. Those where the days. Giant Lemurs, however, are extinct. I understand these American wok and Jaja peoples live in a massive underground grow room and only Dick Cheney knows how to control them. All this I learnt from the films of the running dogs.

What’s the secret to playing a decent F?

Detune it and remove the highest note string, join the Rolling Stones. Which is like, with a stinky finger?

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party or the Boy Scouts?

No, I had a card carrying girlfriend which provided enough arguments about the dialectic to keep a small gulag heated and somewhat exasperated through the most fierce of Siberian winters. The Francis Douglas Memorial College for boys of New Plymouth NZ school cadet service had a Bren gun, pretty much impossible for a slightly provocative neckerchief and a pocket knife to compete with 30 rounds of .303.

Want in on this? Get in touch and let’s do it.

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